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Bad at Love

Halsey's song "Bad at Love" contains the lyrics:

Look, I don't mean to frustrate, but I Always make the same mistakes, yeah I Always make the same mistakes 'cause

I'm bad at love (ooh-ooh) But you can't blame me for tryin' You know I'd be lyin' sayin' You were the one (ooh-ooh) That could finally fix me Lookin' at my history... I'm bad at love

Does that mean that you are doomed? That's up to you.

Relationships require unique skills built through trial-and-error with guidance from others (e.g., friends, family, media). So you're not going to be good at it right away, but your partner won't be either. As we get older and have more of these experiences, we learn how to be better partners, but we may also pick up some bad habits.

Often people say that everything changes once you move in together, get engaged, get married, or have kids together. That's true, but for reasons other than what you may think. Usually, it's because this is a NEW experience for one or both of you, so it's kind of like starting over to learn new skills in uncharted territory. If you have been there before, the reason you're there again is because it didn't work out the first time and now you need to unlearn some of those bad habits. It's challenging!

Halsey's song reiterates a popular myth that if you just find the "one," that "right" person just for you in the billions of alive human beings on earth, that love will be good and easy. This is a myth! The "one" will not fix you, and you cannot fix someone you think is the "one." Happy healthy relationships are ones where two whole people come together because they want to be together. They don't need one another, they just like each other. Needing someone to fix you or fix your relationships is too much pressure and responsibility to put on one other person who isn't you.

If you think you're bad at love, know that we all are! It's up to you to develop into the whole person you want to be whether you are in a relationship or not. So, what is a "whole" person?

Consider these areas of your life and rate your satisfaction from 1-10 (1=completely dissatisfied; 10=extremely satisfied).

If you were to fill in each wedge of the wheel up to your rated satisfaction, it would create a jagged wheel. Think about your life like this wheel you've created. How well would it roll? What would happen if you hit a "bump" in the road? A "whole" person doesn't mean that you need to be completely satisfied in every area of your life, but that you have balance.

Before looking for a relationship, target the areas of your life you want to balance before joining with another person. When choosing a person to be with, consider their "wheel" and whether they are a "whole" person able to be the partner you want.


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